The Most Shocking Indictment of the Fox News Channel You’ll Ever Read

So after enjoying a particularly rewarding episode of “Frasier”, I deleted it; naturally, I was ready to watch another. But here’s where Fate’s predeterminedly slam of fortoldish instinctualiZedness impacted my human-core with pre-provocognitive-esque preparednessliness of something I had known prior: at this punch of a remote’s button, the screen returns not to the data bank of recordings, but rather to the last channel viewed, which happened to be the Fox News Channel.

Thus the interfaced blinked to a man in a suit saying, “…so why don’t we go to a clip of that, people that go to things.” Then lower-resolution video of some bland, staged event (an event with a stage, mind you) being watched by a crowd.

The last tele-prompted (?) bit of speech re-uttered itself in the confines of my brain’s mind: …so why don’t we go to a clip of that, people that go to things.

There’s some equivocation here and I find it fascinating. Firstly and most-unimportantly, the possibility that the transcribed excerpt you’ve just now read twice should contain a colon where there’s a comma is not a possibility. The intonations confidently suggested the direct address. He was speaking to those who identify as “people who go to things.” But the paramount question now reveals itself to be, “WHICH peoples who go to things?”

There are two possible answers that I can render:

1) The man in the suit who is paid money to talk to lenses was addressing those of us at home who also go to things – things like events or whatever – because he knew we’d get a real kick out of footage of a stage and its crowd.

2) The man in the suit who is paid money to talk at lenses was addressing the technicians – the “men and/or women in the booth,” as they say – and he was reminding them of their jobs without using their names or their professional titles.

The last scenario delights me in an odd way. It’s similar to sensations conjured upon seeing someone who has ice cream smeared about the mouth, or even the sensations conjured upon being someone who has ice cream smeared about the mouth.

Where to go? What to do?

Others may have taken the easy road by watching another episode of “Frasier” (a paragon encrusted on the crown of Yester-Thursday’s Must-Seen), but I had the strength to write it down and explore these new emotions and soon-to-be-age-old quandaries by assigning words to them and then italicizing some of them.

The Epiphanic Moral:
I may not be the muscle you want in a fist fight, but my brain-space is buff with courage, bro.

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