25. Intercalate

It was abrupt.

And leading scientists stated in Leading Scientists magazine, “Fuck, I don’t know. Physics is nuts. I mean, its like, the science of everything. Biologists, chemists, bio-chemists – they all have it easy. So, it’s like this: we have, like, a decent grasp on the sun, but why that small explosion happened, and why it pushed us farther away from it is beyond us. But we are making advancements in time travel, so if that pans out, we’ll get Kepler up to speed on nuclear physics, put him on the project, and see if he has any insights.”

All that was certain was that the year would now be approximately one day longer, and the calendar would need adjustment. The King of the United States of the Americas won the UN’s raffle to see who would have the honor to intercalate the new day.

King Charles Pepsi III chose to create July 32nd, because who doesn’t like the summer? Who wouldn’t want another summer day? it was to be an international day off as it was officially a “bonus day” in the new calendar.

But his secret motives were 1) to help out Big Liquor as they were certain to see a massive increase in sales on the 31st, and 2) to manage overpopulation with a spike in o poisoning.

The former was a success, but the latter ended up being counter productive, as alcohol fuels lust, and July 32nd beat out Valentine’s day for highest number of children conceived. This totally bummed King Pepsi III out. He made plans to make the following July 31st Free Condom Day as well as make August 1st Free Plan B Day, even though he would take a lot of flack for it.

But it turned out that none of it mattered. The second July 32nd would be celebrated at all, as the nuclear blast had coated the earth with a radiation so subtle yet so powerful that everyone was dead by mid-May.

“How did you live to tell the tale?” you ask.

“Good question,” I reply. “A really good question for a corpse to ask!”

Garsh, I’m lonely.

 

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