18. Junket

Agent: Babe, babe, listen: it’s me. I’m not just some nobody who works for you. I care about you, babe. I’m your friend. Your pal. Your confidant. We’re in this together. Just please, gimme a straight answer, babe – are you going to the junket or not?

Celebrity: What’s the use?

Agent: The use? Babe, this is your junket. The whole point is for the press to eat you up with a silver spoon, walk away with a nice tote-bag and a willingness to write a great review of your performance as Drake Firebird, the hero of the whole damn picture!

Celebrity: Nobody gives a shit about me.

Agent: Nobody? Are you out of your damn mind? Would I be calling if I didn’t care? What about the fans? You put the asses in the seats. Without you there’s no picture to begin with. The whole country goddamn loves you, babe.

Celebrity: They care about my abs and my smile.

Agent: Who wouldn’t? They’re both perfect!

Celebrity: You’re not listening to me. No one is ever listening to me!

Agent: I’m listening, babe. What’s the problem? We’ll tackle it to the ground together and smash its face in together and piss in its eyes together. You and me. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid – and, hey – fuck Sundance, after this epic, they’re gonna start calling us Butch Cassidy and The Cannes Kid, lemme tell ya!

Celebrity: Nobody knows who I really am. I don’t even know.

Agent: What are you talking about, sugar? You are the hottest actor of the last fourteen months, and I’m here to make sure you stay on top. Eh? How ’bout that?

Celebrity: Sometimes I feel like…

Agent: There’s your first problem. You’re a star! You don’t have to feel. If you wanna feel, dive into a juicy role. Save that therapy shit for retirement, babe.

Celebrity: This is what I’m talking about.

Agent: I’m the problem? I’m the fucking problem? Well, let me tell ya, I’m the same problem that got you outta playing such notable roles as Partygoer #4 on a single ep of The O.C., ‘kay? So, if I’m the problem, just let me know and I’ll discover some other chump and slap his pretty face on the poster of next summer’s blockbuster.

Celebrity: Hey, you know that’s not what I meant…

Agent: Oh, no, don’t worry about me. My career doesn’t hinge on this press slumber party – yours does, so fuck it. If you wanna have a mid-life crisis before you hit 30, go right ahead. No sweat off my Mac. I’m sure you and your Vicodin prescription will be very happy together, and you won’t have any regrets letting Firebird’s Lament 2: Phoenix Rising be your swansong. And I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that a hot celebrity breakdown is more than enough to sell a picture. People will be pitching tents at the Multiplex a month in advance! It’ll be like George Lucas had stuck his thumb of the film’s ass! That’s how goddamn popular it will be. So go ahead and fade away! It’ll make my job a lot easier.

Celebrity: Hey! That’s… that’s not nice.

Agent: My job’ll be easier, sure. But you know what it won’t make easier for me? My personal life. Because… being your agent, being your friend, is what keeps me goin’ half the time. If you gotta drop outta the game, that’s fine. I’m happy for you. I just hope you and I can keep in touch. Because… I love ya, babe. And I only say that to three people: my kids, my mother, and you.

Celebrity: What about your wife?

Agent: Which one? Fuck those dames. I don’t waste love on someone who’s gonna leave me. So, I beg ya, babe: don’t leave me. Leave the film, but don’t leave me. Well, I’m sure you got some soul-searching to do, so I’ll quit bothering you and let you get to it. Don’t forget to write, eh?

Celebrity: C’mon, Randy, you know that…

Agent: I’m gonna hang up and let you find yourself, ‘kay, babe?

Celebrity: Hold on!

(silence)

Celebrity: I want a vegan snack platter in my room at the hotel and I want three vegan girls there eating it when I arrive: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead who shaves her head but not her snatch, okay?

Agent: Is that all? Babe! Anything you want. I could have an army of pescetarians riding around naked on unicycles if that’s what it takes to get your blood pumping. Just tell me and it’s yours.

Celebrity: You know what I want a redhead with a full head of hair too. But easy on the freckles, okay?

Agent: This additional redhead? Should she be shaved below the belt for contrast?

Celebrity: Um, sure. But have some merkins lying around just in case.

Agent: Of course. Pits?

Celebrity: Trimmed, not shaved.

Agent: All of them?

Celebrity: You know what: alternate.

Agent: You got it, babe.

 

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